I got chris browned last night
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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