You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
