After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
