3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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