Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you didnt know i had herpes?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
