about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
