you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
