that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
