apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
