All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
