I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
