i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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