there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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