Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
