Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
