Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
