I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
