i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
