Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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