I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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