im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
A+ Viking dick
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
