you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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