I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
