my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
