My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Houston, we have a blender
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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