Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
