Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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