dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
