The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
