apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
