so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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