Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
