Princesses don't give blow jobs
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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