the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
