i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
