please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
