Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
