Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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