I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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