Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
