The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
