I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
