she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
