So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
