thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
