I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
