you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
