I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize