He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
