Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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