miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
