y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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