dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize