i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
