3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
