no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
