I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
