Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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