it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
