You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
