Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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