I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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