Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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