Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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