He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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